I grew up in a house as the oldest child. I can remember my mom always being way harder on me than my little brother. It often created a major rift between me and my mom because I felt so unfairly treated. I think for this reason I was a daddies girl but also I think he saw how much harder my mom was on me and he had to compensate for it with me.
Today, I have two boys. It was just Luke and me for the first 4 almost 5 years of his life. We were very close and I did everything for this child. We were really tight and then his baby brother was born. Now I had to find a way to divide myself between two children. Something that truly is not as easy as one might think.
As Thomas has grown, I have found he gets the majority of my attention and Luke not as much. I have also found that I am so much harder on Luke. I yell at him more because he is supposed to know better. He should do more for himself and should be more grown up. When he doesn't do these things I become very frustrated with him and I am often really hard on him.
This really bothers me because I am treating Luke just like my mom did me. I now see her side of it but it still doesn't make it any better for Luke. I have to remind myself, yes he should know better, and yes he can do these things for himself but he is still only six years old.
Recently the two of them together have pushed every button I have and I end the day frustrated and flat out exhausted. I don't want to be like this and I have got to figure out how to be easier on Luke, but he can't just get away with things either.
So my question to all you moms with two or more kids. How do you divide yourself among your children? How do you make sure they feel equally loved by you? Its not that I don't love them equally but I do not manage my time well between them and I am a lot less patient with one over the other.
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November 23, 2009
Where Is My Mom's Manual
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About Me
- Nina
- Hi I am Nina! OK Nina is a nickname but I doubt you really care. I am 35 years old, married, two wonderful boys. Luke is my sweet gentile 6 year old and Thomas is my wild and crazy 2 year old. The two of them wear me out but I love everything about them. I hope you enjoy all our crazy adventures as much as we do.
8 Comments Welcome:
Hi Nina! Believe me, you are NOT ALONE!! I think most of us are harder on our first borns for the same reason. I know I could be too. It's like we just "expect" them to know certain things, but we are forgetting they are still just children. I realized with much prayer that I needed to change. I needed to stop being harsh to him, and to love on him like all the other kids. Not that I was all the time, but definitely more than the others. Yes, as the oldest child, they do have some responsibility in setting the example, but we have to show them grace when they do fall short. But, I know it all starts with us first.
I hope that helped. I know exactly how you feel!!
first off, cheer up momma! you're doing a great job! being a mom is the hardest job on the planet, you know!
trinity often takes the back seat because i'm constantly needing to drop everything when zoe is in crisis, yet somehow she seems unaffected by this. i'm not sure exactly why she is so easy going about it but i do make a point to just always tell her when she's doing a great job and to spend one on one time with her, even if i have to schedule it.
being AWARE is a HUGE step toward working this out, so you are already ahead of the game!
I'm going to keep checking back for the comments others leave since we're going to be juggling two kids in about two months and I don't want to put too much pressure on T Rex to grow up too quickly.
It's really a challenge. Every kid is very different with different needs but they all seem to want a lot of attention. I feel like one of my children doesn't get as much as she deserves and I'm working on this. They are all great kids. Sometimes the older kids are better off because they actually mature and are more responsible because the parents expect more. I work towards not expecting less of my older kids but on expecting more of my younger kids. And we do lots of things together as a group. We try very hard to be fair and even give the younger kids responsibilities.
Well I hate to say it but I am probably not very good at it either. I do tend to be harder on my oldest when she starts acting up, where I do tend to baby the younger one more. I think that the fact you are aware of it will help a lot! I also try and remind myself to be more patient with my daughter as she is only 5 and sometimes doesn't know better!
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving girl!!
I am the same way with my son and everytime I realize what I"m doing, I stop and give him some extra loving.
However it is very hard.
As my children get older, I will have a date night with them separately each week to do something with just me and one child. My sister in law does this and I love the concept.
Maybe you could try something like that even at this age.
It's like you wrote these words for me. I struggle with the very same thing.
I am the same way, but my older child is almost 15!! So I am really, really hard on him, because he DEFINITELY should know better at this point in his life. Plus, I really think Josh is super lazy at times... only doing enough to get by, and most times not even that much. His grades are slipping as a result, and he has the teen 'I don't care' attitude about his performance at school. It's hard, even having an almost 3 year old and a 15 year old. I'm still torn, and feel bad at times, because I KNOW I show Jonah so much more attention than Josh. I find myself put out and disappointed in Josh alot of the time, and that comes out in the form of... well, you know. Certainly not in the form of hugs and kisses, like I shower Jonah, the baby, with. And I know alot of that is their age difference. You shower toddlers with alot more affection than you do teens, it's just the way things are - teens don't want their mom's hugging all over them, esp. in public! lol So, I don't know... I don't really have a whole lot of advise to give you on this subject, cuz I am in the same boat.
I know what you mean though, about your dad compensating for your mom's behavior (or lack thereof). My husband, which is Josh's stepdad, is alot more consistent and harder on Josh than I tend to be, and I do (despite everything else) see myself overcompensating for it. I buy things for Josh when I know that Jeramy probably wouldn't - even if I know it might cause a disagreement b/t us (for example: a soda, a shirt he wants, new shoes, extra lunch money, etc.) Maybe that is the teen version of the toddler hugs and kisses? I never really looked at it that way until now. Even when Josh has failed a test and had a rotten day at school, I scold him, but I don't punish him near as harsly as Jeramy would. Maybe that is just the mom's in us. Mothers vs. Fathers. When there's a step in the mix, it's so much harder to tell.
Hang in there!!!
I read somewhere a long time ago that you will always struggle the most with the child who is the same birth order as you. I'm a firstborn too, so I definitely struggle with my oldest the most. Sometimes it dawns on me that I'm expecting her to behave at her best 100% of the time... the only other person I hold to that standard is myself. It is hard. It is really hard. And you're still so busy with tge younger one. I don't know what the answer is, but I think being conscious of it is probably most of the battle.
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